What to Expect When She’s Not Expecting

sadness1

I’m sorry, what? “There is less than a 2% chance you can naturally conceive a child.” No, no, you must be mistaken. This must be some cruel joke; after all, it is April Fool’s Day.  “Less than a 2% chance.” But we followed the plan – we both graduated college, I finished law school and passed the bar…we even recently started building a house! Now it is time to start building our family, too! All of our friends are pregnant – surely this is wrong! But the doctor wasn’t wrong. And on that day, April 1, 2014, our lives were turned upside down. 

If you have explored our site, you know about our struggles with infertility and adoption; if not, you can get caught up here. We are using this blog to share our story and hopefully encourage others through similarly difficult times.  But I wanted to write a post specifically for men. For those husbands whose families are struggling with infertility and adoption, trying to cope with the heartache, and searching for what to do next all while attempting to faithfully lead their families through such a trying time. Guys, this post is for you. Trust me, I understand and can empathize with the challenges and struggles you are facing; with the feelings of doubt, anger, and confusion. And because of that, I wanted to share with you a few lessons God has taught me through our journey. I’m no expert, but these are just a few of the thoughts and perspectives I’ve gained from our experience thus far.

My first encouragement is men, if your wife is struggling with infertility, make sure you allow time to grieve. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”  Kendal and I received our infertility diagnosis in April 2014.  At the same time, we were in the process of building our first home, so questions of wall color, furniture placement, and landscaping filled our minds.  After closing on our home that June, our life settled down a bit.  So, during a summer evening walk, and just a few months after receiving our tragic diagnosis, I brought up to Kendal the idea of adoption.  My comments were met with silence.

You see, SPOILER ALERT, men and women think differently. Men are fixers and problem solvers.  In my mind, infertility + wanting a family = adoption.  This logically made sense to me.  But I missed the mourning and grieving part.  Kendal wasn’t ready.  She was still working and processing what such a diagnosis really meant.  And I jumped waaaaaaay ahead of her, unrealistically expecting her to be on the same page as me.  So men, take the time to grieve and mourn with your wife.  And trust me, we did and still continue to do so, both together and individually.  I still struggle with this, but I’m learning to stop, slow down, and just wait for her.  We both wanted a family, and obviously both came to the decision of adoption, but take time to mourn and grieve with your spouse.  Cry with her, hug her, love her.  While adoption may be in your future, and perhaps it is God’s plan for you, it is ok to take the time to be sad. 

Secondly, realize that just because you made a plan, that doesn’t mean God has to fit Himself into it.  Proverbs 16:9 says “A man makes a plan in his heart, but God directs his path.”  Kendal and I met while we were in college (Geaux Tigers!) and were engaged in December 2009.  I was in law school at the time, so we weren’t “ready” for kids.  But once I finished and passed the bar in 2012, we wanted to add to the two of us.  We thought we were ready – it was just “time” to have children.  All our friends were pregnant and asking us when we would have children.  They spoke as if it were a guaranteed outcome.  But it just wasn’t happening for us.  God wasn’t fitting Himself into our timeline – into what we thought we wanted and when we wanted it.

For two people who like plans, schedules, and being in control, this is a tough one to learn. God isn’t restricted to what our feeble minds can imagine, but just as He told the prophet Habakkuk, He is “doing a work…that you would not believe if told.” So, just remember, it is ok to not have the answers.  Believe me, I know the pain of waiting and wanting a child and feeling so lonely when all your friends are pregnant and something just isn’t right.  But God is in control.  The Proverbs writer puts it like this, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” 

Lastly, above all else, and while it may be difficult to see at the moment, these struggles are just light and momentary. I know that sounds like nonsense while you are enduring your trials, but that is how the apostle Paul describes them in 2 Corinthians 4:17 when he writes “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”  In other words, Paul, writing with eternity in view, weighs his present trials against future glory and discovers his trials are actually working for him.  So when your world seems to fall around you, when you and your wife are devastated by terrible news, remember that these experiences are paled in comparison with what is to come.  And that is something to take hope in – your light and momentary struggles are producing something much better for you!  And that is eternal rest with our Father in Heaven. 

I hope this post is helpful to you.  Believe me, infertility and adoption isn’t just something you “get over” and move on from.  But these are just a few of the many lessons I’ve learned which I hope will encourage you during your time of struggle. 

Thanks for reading, and thanks for helping us find our arrows!

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Hope

Music has a way of speaking to us; it’s a language that has the power to elicit emotion and deep thinking. I tend to remember certain moments or periods in my life when I hear a particular song. And there are songs that have been particularly important to me in the healing process on this journey of infertility and adoption.

Recently I heard the song “I Have This Hope” by Tenth Avenue North and I really enjoyed listening to the simple lyrics that speak about hope in the unknown. The words could easily be my own: As I walk this great unknown . . . Was there purpose in the pain . . . I don’t wanna live in fear.

One of the biggest challenges for me recently is getting past my fear of the unknown. It’s really scary to put such a large part of your life basically in the hands of others, with no set dates or expectations. When I heard this song, I felt like it was written for me. I need to “have this hope” and know that “[God’s] with me and [He] won’t let go.”

I hope you enjoy this song and it brings you hope in whatever trial you are facing.

I Have This Hope – Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain
Did I cry these tears in vain
I don’t wanna live in fear
I wanna trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You’re with me and You won’t let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here

So whatever happens, I will not be afraid
‘Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I’ll see Your face

In the flood or the fire
You are with me and You won’t let go
In the flood or the fire
You are with me and You won’t let go

 

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